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Predictions for 2011

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Well, 2010 is coming to a close and it's time to start thinking about 2011. Through exhaustive research and intuition I've compiled a list of things that I think will happen in 2011. We'll see how well I did when 2012 gets here.

#1 - There will most likely be an assassination attempt on a US politician. Nobody super important; probably somebody very few people have ever heard of.

#2 - There's trouble brewing in the Middle East. (Isn't there always?) I think this year's going to be much worse than usual though. I would guess that a few governments might even get toppled. It seems like Egypt will probably be at the heart of all the problems.

#3 - Gas prices will increase (I'm really going out on a limb on this one). I don't think they'll get as high as they did a few years back, but they'll be pretty high most of the year.

#4 - It's been a few years since we had a good tsunami. As much as I hate to see it happen, there will most likely be a major tsunami in the Pacific Ocean this year. Probably on the Asia side of the Pacific. I don't think California's quite ready for the big one yet.

#5 - We've had some quiet years for hurricanes and tornadoes. We're probably still okay hurricane-wise for a year or two, but it's pretty likely there will be a lot of tornado activity in the southern US states this year.

#6 - President Obama will probably finally give into pressure and release a birth certificate. It still won't put the argument to rest, though, and he won't release any other information that people have been requesting for years.

#7 - Prince William will finally marry that Middleton chick, but someone else will try to upstage her.

#8 - The laziest Americans seem to be getting lazier and lazier. In 2011 I think that a large group of them will finally give up and just hang out in parks and on the sidewalks claiming to be protesting some injustice, but they'll really just be hoping for handouts.

#9 - I think this will be the year that we finally take out Osama bin Laden. He'll probably be found in Pakistan because that's the only place we haven't looked yet.

#10 - Christmas season shopping will pick up pretty good in 2011, but nobody will dare call it Christmas shopping. It's 'holiday' shopping.

Well, we'll see how I did in about 14 months. I may not write again before then, but I'll try. It's tough to come up with ideas about things to write about. Maybe I'll try this prediction stuff again, though, unless I'm totally wrong on all of these.

I Have BDS

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What does BDS stand for? A quick internet search will give a variety of answers from Broadcast Data Systems to Bush Derangement Syndrome, to Battlefield Distributed Simulations and Bone Density Scanners. I really only care about one type of BDS: Butter Delivery Systems.

What is a Butter Delivery System, you ask? It's a type of edible product that exists primarily to provide a socially-acceptable method of eating butter.

Toast (B:F = 1:12)

The most common BDS to most Americans is toast. Toast doesn't have a very high B:F Ratio though (B:F = Butter to Food), and is therefore one of the least efficient BDSs. The problem is that the toast is only able to hold a limited amount of butter without becoming soggy, and soggy toast, no matter how much butter is involved, is just not worth eating. . Chilled butter lasts longer on the toast before soggying the bread, but too much chilled butter prevents the butter from melting fully (the toast only has so much residual heat from the toaster) and pockets of unmelted butter on toast just detracts from the enjoyment of ingesting the butter.

Dinner Rolls (B:F = 1:10):

Perhaps the next most common BDS is the common dinner roll. Dinner rolls generally begin their existence with a coating of butter on top already, giving them a leg up on toast. (Yes, butter-top bread also has butter on top, but there's much less surface area on the top of a slice of bread than on a roll). Dinner rolls can also be split down the middle to double the surface area that contains the butter, thus increasing their B:F ratio. One other advantage to the roll is its ability to be reclosed after being buttered so that the butter doesn't leak out (if you're serious about getting your daily RBI (recommended butter intake) you can pinch the edges to make what's known in butter circles as the "dinner roll butter balloon".


Corn (B:F = 1:8-1:4):

Corn in any form seems to be a popular BDS. Cornbread is just begging for a heap of butter, and cornbread eaters are very sympathetic to their plight. Cornbread can have a B:F anywhere between 1:8 and 1:4 for maximum BDS enjoyment, depending on how old the bread is and how thick the bread is.

Popcorn is a popular BDS among movie-goers and those who like to torture their co-workers. Popcorn may have the widest range of acceptable B:F ratios. It can range anywhere between 1:10 (if my wife makes it) to 1:4 if I make it. In fact, if made properly, popcorn can increase in B:F as you near the bottom of the bowl, even approaching a 1:1 ratio. It's just too bad that all the bad popcorn kernels hang out on the bottom and soak up butter that could be better utilized in more palatable BDSs.

Corn on the Cob is a great BDS with a B:F ratio of 1:4-1:2, if only the amount of edible corn is included in the calculation (with deductions for how much remains in your teeth and is later removed with floss). Corn on the cob would achieve an even higher B:F if gravity were not involved. As the corn heats the butter the butter drips off the bottom of the corn, which results in having to constantly rotate the corn to keep the B:F at desired levels. In Earth's orbit it's possible that corn on the cob is the most efficient of BDSs.

Baked Potato (B:F = 1:1)

Here on Earth it can hardly be contested that the baked potato is the most efficient BDS, with a B:F ratio of 1:1. For a regular-sized potato you'll need a full square of butter to make it taste good enough to actually eat it.

The baked potato has some very unique characteristics making it such an effective BDS. First, baked potatoes are extremely dry and even anti-butterites would be tempted to add butter to their potato. Second, the baked potato skin makes a butter-tight pouch that holds in any excess butter until it can be absorbed by the potato. Third, the guts of a potato can be removed from the skin and added back in slowly to aid in total butter saturation.

The added benefit to the baked potato as a BDS is that you can also get your daily allowance of cheese and bacon.

A Hare Faster?

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I know what they're trying to say, but who ended up winning that race?

Ban Anagrams

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Just kidding. I don't want to ban anagrams, but I'd like to see a "Bananagram". You know, a message written on a banana or something.

It turns out that "ban anagrams" is an anagram of "bananagrams". A really weak one, yeah, but still an anagram, and that is what I want to talk about today: Anagrams (not bananagrams).

A few weeks back I got wondering if there were anagrams for my name. That led to looking up other names, anything that came to mind. Having just read the news, a lot of names came from the headlines. Here's a summary of what I found:

Daniel A Palmer = A Plain Emerald, A Remedial Plan, A Marlin Leaped

Senator Harry Reid = Ornate Hairdryers

Kate Gosselin = Lankiest Egos, Seeking Altos, Got Leakiness, or my favorite: Goat Likeness

Nancy Pelosi = Soy Pinnacle, Clips Anyone, Nosy Pelican, and Epic As Nylon

Joe Biden = I Need Job

Sarah Palin = A Sharp Nail

Governor Sarah Palin = Agrarian Shovel Porn, Granola Vapor Shiner

Vegetarian = Irate Vegan, Ate Vinegar, I Avenge Art, and Eat in Grave

British Petroleum = Oh, Trump Liberties, Trout Belie Shrimp

Rocky Mountain Power = Outworn Porky Iceman, Know Your Importance, Manpower Unity Crook, I Am No Rocky Power Nut

President Obama = Impersonate Bad, A Baptism Redone, Entombs a Diaper, Arabised Top Men, Pie Store Badman, Men Abroad Spite, Morbid Satan Pee, and my favorite: A Dope Tribesman

It's a Mystery

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So it's been a really long time since I posted anything. There has been a lot going on lately, but very little of it has been "blog-worthy". This may not be, either, but I'm okay with that.

One of the many projects I've been working on the last few weeks is a way to encrypt text (or any data, really) inside a computer image. I got the idea from news coverage of those Russian spies, and figured if a bunch of Russian spies could figure out how to do it, I could too. It turns out I was right.

The following two images look the same. The only difference is that one of them contains the entire text of "The Hound of the Baskervilles" encrypted inside it. If you were to load the image into my encryption application it would pull out all 326,000 characters and allow you to read the book.

Amazingly, the text takes up no space in the image, nor does it change the appearance in any appreciable way. If you zoom in on each image and go from one to the next, you'll see tiny changes in a few of the pixels, but you can't tell the difference in the pictures at their normal resolution.

Anyway, I'm excited about it, and I'm looking for ways to use it in a productive manner. There are probably only 2 or 3 people reading this that understand what I've done, and maybe only one of those that cares, but at least it's a new post, right?



Mozzarella di Bufala

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I could just dive into that and swim around a bit. With my mouth open, of course.

Who You Gonna Call?

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How Did We Survive

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How did we ever survive before Infomercial products came into our lives?

What's your favorite Infomercial?

Monday Afternoon Humor

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Yes, I have a sick sense of humor. Some people like it, some people don't. Some people have made posters that match it perfectly. Here are some examples from www.despair.com:




The Juice is Loose

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Am I 16 years too slow putting the pieces together, or has nobody else realized that Starburst stopped using their "The Juice is Loose" slogan during the OJ Simpson trial? It's amazing where your mind will wander if you let it.

Best Idea Ever

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Papacists

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It's sad that despite how far we've come as a society things like this still go on.





Bound to be Bound

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Bound is an unbelievably strange and contradictory word, if you ask me. You probably didn't ask, but since I brought it up and you're here anyway you might as well read about it.

I came across the word bound as I was looking for synonyms for "Spring" so that I could post about how happy I was that Spring was almost here without having to title the post something as silly as "Spring is Coming!"

So before I get to my boring "Spring is Coming" post, you're stuck reading about my thoughts on the word "bound".

It's odd, I tell you. Really odd. And did I mention contradictory? You can be bound, as with bonds. But, once you break those bonds you can bound away, free as a bird (except a jailbird, which is still bound). Maybe this isn't all that great a contradiction, but in my mind it sort of is. If I'm bound with ropes, there's not much I can do. I can barely move, so how can I bound (verb)?

The real contradiction, the one that has confused me for a long time, comes with the word "-bound" (notice the '-'). When you add the word "bound" to other words it has one of two meanings: either you're stuck somewhere (snowbound) or you're heading somewhere (northbound).

My question is: If you're "Homebound" are you stuck at home, or are you going home?

If you're "Snowbound" are you stuck somewhere due to snow, or are you heading into the snow in the mountains to ski or something?

If you're "Troublebound" are you heading for trouble, or stuck somewhere because of it?

Hopefully you can see my confusion. Maybe it's just context that makes the difference. Nobody would think that a "homebound" widow was on her way home. But she still could be...

In other news, I'm glad that Spring's on its way!

It's nice to not have to wear a jacket everywhere I go. It's nice to be able to spend time outside enjoying the sights, sounds, and smells of nature. I've repeatedly warned Annie that we're going to do a lot more hiking this year. There are lots of places we've never been and I'm excited to get out and see them. Plus, I'm finally in good enough shape to take on any hike out there.

We probably won't do much camping, but that's just because we both prefer sleeping in a regular bed and showering every day. Maybe one day we'll be more outdoorsy, but for now we'll be daytrippin' it.

Hopefully when you hear from us over the next 6 months and we say we're "naturebound" you'll know that we're heading out into nature, not trapped in it.

Busy

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What a crazy couple weeks. I'd address things chronologically, but everything is sort of a blur, so I'll just address things as they pop into my head.

  • My eyes! I finally got my eyes lasered. It's really strange to be able to see. Even stranger to only be able to see halfway. My right eye is seeing things pretty well, but my left is lagging a bit behind. Things are just a little bit blurry. It's sort of like watching a 3-D movie with only half a pair of 3-D glasses. I get a little queasy just turning my head with my eyes open. On the plus side, I'm back to work and can mostly function.
  • Speaking of work, I've now received about 1/4 of my returns this year. They're what you see in the picture above. Each folder represents about 10 hours of work to do.
  • I have a new niece (with no name). I was finally able to see her last night for a few minutes. As Annie can attest, she's pretty cute. I can't wait to see her outside the hospital.
  • Oh, on Sunday I was put into our ward's new bishopric as the 2nd councilor.
  • As a result of that, our house is now off the market (well, that and because of the glut of short sales in our neighborhood). So now we can leave our house a little messy and start drawing up plans for our next home improvement project.
  • It seems like there's a lot more going on, and maybe there is, but I sure can't remember right now.

Crawling Into My Den

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It's that time of year again: Tax Season Hibernation. Tomorrow marks the first unofficial day of the busy season at work. From now until May 1st I'll be buried up to my eyeballs in tax returns, FERC forms, 10-k's, and tax area allocation reports.

Most years are busy enough, but this year we get to do it with one fewer appraiser in the division. That wouldn't be a big deal if we had a dozen or so appraisers, but when you start with 5 taking one away makes a bit of a difference.

I've been told to expect to work about a week's worth of overtime over the next two months.

It's really not that big a deal, I guess. A lot of people work that much and more. Heck, I used to work a lot more than that at other jobs, and they were physically demanding. I've gotta say, though, that I'm more exhausted after 40 hours of thinking than I ever was doing physical labor. The physical labor has a way of rejuvenating you, the thinking just sucks the life out of you.

So just a word of warning: you may not see me much for the next ten weeks. For many of you I'm sure that's an answer to prayer.

Good News! I'm Not Insane!

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Well, at least in one area I'm not losing my mind. As I was sitting here in silence I remembered an odd "trick" I used to be able to do. The word "trick" is in quotation marks because, yes, it's something unique I can do, but nobody can see or hear me do it.

Ever since I can remember I've been able to make a rumbling noise in my head any time I wanted. It's like I flex some sort of muscle and and I hear a rumbling in my ears. I remember asking other people if they could do the same back when I was a little kid, but nobody could and they all thought I was crazy for even asking the question.

But today, when I remembered it, I realized that a lot has changed since I was a little kid: Al Gore created the internet. And with the internet I can type a question, however crazy, into Google or other similar search engine and get a response from anonymous strangers. Are these times we live in great or what?

It turns out that humans have what's called a Tensor Tympani Muscle in their ears (both of them), and that this muscle involuntarily contracts to help dampen chewing noises. It can also help dampen loud noises. But apparently there is a small group of people with the ability to flex this muscle voluntarily. I'm one of them. You can read all about it on Wikipedia here.

I don't know how many times I thought that I must just be crazy or something, or that something was seriously wrong with my head or ears. It's a nice skill to have, though, when people are talking to you and you don't really want to hear them. They can't tell you're doing it, but it sure helps drown them out.

It's just too bad there aren't special scholarships or other benefits for people with this ability. Is there anyone else out there able to do this? Or is it just me and a few other anonymous internet weirdos in an on-line forum?

Post Ideas

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Yeah, so I can't think of anything to write about, even though I have all this time waiting for the dishwasher to finish its cycle so I can shove it back in place and run it again. Stupid leaky dishwasher. It's fixed, or at least it hasn't leaked since I finished fixing it, but I sure hate dealing with water-related fixes.

So I've been wandering around looking for something to write about. I even checked the pantry for ideas. No ideas there, but I did find some crackers to snack on.

Yep, nothing like sitting around watching a dishwasher run, eating crackers, listening to Pink Floyd and waiting for the FedEx guy to bring parts to fix the dryer.

I've gotta say, though, that I'm glad we decided to tile under the dishwasher when we put in the tile. That probably saved us some trouble.

Yeah, I'm still struggling to come up with something to write about. Maybe I'll just give up and do something else for awhile.

Or I could write about how, 3 months ago, I was told that I wouldn't have to go out of town for any classes this winter, but now I've been scheduled to go to two classes in February alone. I guess I should be glad to be able to attend some classes and learn something, but it sure is a bad time to be out of town. Not to mention the fact that the first class is in Logan. Really? Logan in February? I love Logan, don't get me wrong, but there are 11 better months a year to visit. It's hard to enjoy the Aggie ice cream when it's too cold for it to even melt in your mouth.

Still no leaks from the dishwasher, and it's nearing the end of its cycle.

In other news, the trees are really sneezing today.

It sounds like it's on its final drain. Still no leaks. Not even a drip. With any luck it'll work just the same when it's pushed back in place, which I'm going to go do right now...

Back to the Classics

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Ouch

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It may be a little hard to tell in this picture, but the part down below is supposed to look like the picture above. The little metal ball is no longer anywhere to be found, and the 1/2 inch solid metal shaft has been sheared off completely.

On the plus side, we now know why our dryer has been squeaking for years.







Favorite Commercial

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If you know me at all, you know I have a pretty warped sense of humor. For some reason this commercial has always made me laugh. Not just a little chuckle, but a big old belly laugh. Maybe I'm a jerk for getting pleasure out of some kid's pain, but I think he deserved it.

Milwaukee

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Maybe it's time to post something again. It has been almost a month since my last post. And, to be honest, I haven't had a post worth reading in nearly a year (some would argue much, much longer).

I'm not the kind of guy that likes to talk about what I've been doing. I'm more the kind of guy that likes to say quick-witted one-liners and then crawl back into my cave. Facebook is much better for one-liners, but it takes a lot of one-liners to actually say anything of value (some would argue that the sum total of all my facebook comments wouldn't add up to anything of value. I would be among them.)

I see that the trend right now--being the end of 2009 (or beginning of 2010, if you like to look at things like that)--is to give a recap of all the things that happened during the last year. While that would certainly be interesting, I'd like to do something a little different. I don't know what yet, though, so maybe I'll come back and edit this part after I see the direction this post goes.

Maybe I should talk about an experience that happened to me at church a couple weeks ago and go from there. Our Elder's Quorum is the best I've ever been in. Everybody gets along, is able to joke around with each other, but can be serious and spiritual when needed. Anyway, part of the cause of that is that we go around the room introducing ourselves whenever someone new comes into the ward (or from time to time just for fun). I was asked to share what my interests are and it took me a minute to come up with an answer.

It used to be that I felt defined by the things I did. Back when I played the guitar all the time I considered myself a guitar player. When I went out shooting guns every week I was a ... well, a gun enthusiast, I guess. When I was excitedly learning how to cook I was some sort of cooking person.

Those labels always bothered me, as do the labels we put on other people. How is it possible to define a person with 3 or 4 words? And are a person's hobbies really the defining factor in who they are?

Maybe. I'm not writing to give an answer, just to ask the question. I think back to all the people I've met (at least the few I remember) and look at how my perception of that person was ... not "tainted", but a similar word without the negative connotations. I'm not saying that it's bad to introduce someone to someone else by giving a short description of the person, but it's funny to me that those few words become forever associated with the person, at least in my own head.

And those associations can really make an impact on how people are perceived by others, for good or for bad.

I'm often introduced to people at work as "the computer guy" or a similar description. While that is indeed the one-faceted perception that most people have of me at work, it seems woefully insufficient to define who I am. There have been times that I've considered writing up a short essay explaining who I am and what defines me, and having a stack on my desk to hand out to people I meet, but I have a feeling that would seem a little odd (which might reinforce the topic of the essay).

Maybe a short video presentation would work, or some sort of audio recording.

I guess learning about who someone is will always take more than just a handshake and a few pleasantries. And maybe it's better that way. Maybe it's good that we don't all immediately know everything there is to know about other people. It lets us preserve our own personal identity and reveal it as we see fit to those with whom we interact. I definitely don't want strangers knowing as much about my personality as my wife does. And even my co-workers each have a different perception of who I am and what interests me.

Which brings us back to my earlier question: what are my interests?

My answer? Everything. I can't think of a single thing in the world that doesn't interest me in some way. I may not currently be pursuing many interests, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested in things. There's no food that I don't want to try, no place that I don't want to go (except maybe Milwaukee), no sport that I don't want to participate in.

So how do you sum that all up in a single phrase during an introduction? "Hi. I'm Dan. I'm interested in everything...except maybe Milwaukee."