43 to 17 (not 25 or 6 to 4)

Well, the end of the assessment season is upon me. For the last two months I've worked hard, doing a year's worth of work in 8 short weeks. Of course, along with that comes 10 months of having very little to do. Sure, from time to time something will come up, but I won't have the constant motivation of a legally-enforced deadline to spur me into action.

It's okay, though, because I have quite a few ideas for projects that need to be done, and should be able to get quite a bit done. My first project is to get my appraisal license; I've finally met the education and experience requirements and just need to do some paperwork and take a very difficult test. I'm hoping to get all that done sometime by the end of July.

In the fall we head out of town for audits, then start preparing for next year again as the year comes to an end. But, for most of the next 10 months, I'll end up with an expression on my face like the cheetah's in the picture above. Hopefully I won't end up like the picture below.

Oh, and if you've never been to http://www.despair.com/, you really should go. They have all sorts of these posters that seem to capture the emotion of the working world better than their more cheery counterparts do. I'm thinking of ordering a full-size framed printout of this one for the office here:

Slogans

Behold a list of slogans that didn't translate well into other languages. I'm not sure how true any of these are, but they're funny anyway. My favorite is the one about the Gerber Baby food (even though I know it's fake) because it reminds me of an adventure I had one day while working at Costco (if I call it an 'adventure', it makes me feel better about having worked there for so long).

As most of you know, Costco sends out coupons a couple times a year (the 'Passport' and 'Wallet' things, plus occasional other limited coupon offerings).

Well, one year, included in the coupon book was a coupon for some sort of dog jerky--the name "Yappy" springs to mind, but I have no idea. It was in a tall tub and had a picture of a cartoonish dog on the front. There was a picture of the product on the coupon with the caption "Yappy's Dog Jerky" or whatever it was.

Anyway, about an hour into my shift, as I'm collecting boxes near the registers (by the snack foods), a man asks me where the dog jerky is. Well, he doesn't speak english well, so he points to the coupon and I tell him that it's back on the aisle with the pet beds at the end. He gives me a funny look, smiles, and walks off.

An hour or two later I returned to the snack food area and a lady asks me the same question. I explain to her that it's near the pet food in the back of the store. She gets a weird look on her face, laughs and walks off in the opposite direction.

By now I'm pretty consufed, so I go back to make sure there's still plenty of dog jerky out on the floor and that it's easily accessible.

Toward the end of my shift, the pieces all came together. While I was straightening the beef jerky near the register, another man asks where he can find the dog jerky. As I'm explaining that it's near the dog food I realize that he has been looking for it in the snack food section, along with the others who had asked the question.

Then I remembered that every one of them was asian and probably had no problems eating dog. And, really, if you're going to eat dog, you might as well make jerky out of it; you'd only get enough meat for a steak from the biggest dogs.

Since that day, I've wondered what would have happened if I had "accidentally" left a pallet of dog jerky up near the front of the store...

And, if you're not bored out of your mind yet (I know the punchline was painfully obvious from the beginning; thanks for humoring me), here's the list:

1. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

4. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

5. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

6.When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

7. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

8. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

9. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"

10. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."

Let's Hope History Doesn't Repeat Itself

Decades ago (It's really sad that I'm old enough to say that) I read a "History of the World", a history teacher's compilation of his students' bloopers. I don't remember where it came from, but from time to time, when I'd hear about something that had happened in the past, the bloopers would come back into my mind. Who would have guessed that doing a Google search for some of the phrases would find the original article?

Before I give you the link to read the whole thing for yourself, I'd like to share with you some of my favorites:

(What the heck; I'll give you the link now so you don't have to listen to me...)

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Acutally, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discoverd America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the setters. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Read the whole thing here; you won't regret it.

Shotgun

Sorry, this post isn't about shotguns (though I should probably do a gun-related post sometime), it's about "Shotgun". You know, calling "shotgun" when you are travelling in a car with other people.

As summer is drawing near, and we begin to plan trips and outtings, it would be wise to take a few minutes to review the Rules of Shotgun to avoid any misunderstandings or brawls or anything.

The rules are there on the site and can be perused at your leisure. I would just like to make one point (speaking as one with long legs): I think that the longest-legged person in a group should automatically get shotgun.

Happy travels.

'A Pizza Napuletana

"'A pizza è na piatanza tipeca napulitana, pussebbelmente 'a cchiù canosciuta e cunzumata int' 'o munno." (Pizza is a typical naptan dish, possibly the most well-known and most consumed in the world.)

For anyone who has never eaten an authentic Naptan pizza (the ones made in Napoli (Naples), Italy), you're really missing out. And you're in luck! There's a place in Salt Lake City that makes 'A Pizza Napuletana.

The place is called "Settebello", which is the most highly-valued card in the Italian card game, "Scopa". It's at 260 South 200 West in Salt Lake City, or there's one in Las Vegas, if that happens to be closer to you.

There are very strict regulations that govern who can call their pizza authentic. Among those regulations, "The cooking of the pizza must take place on the surface of the oven and not in any pan or container. The oven must be a wood burning oven and structured in a bell shape and of special brick with the floor of the pizza oven constructed of volcanic stone. The oven must be fired with only wood and kindling." This place goes the extra mile by importing as many of their ingredients as possible from Italy

I know what you're thinking: "Why would I pay more for an authentic pizza when Little Caesars makes one for $5?"

You just can't compare the two. They both happen to be called "pizza", and do have some similarities, but the authentic stuff really is better; you just have to trust me. I've sent dozens of people over there since it opened last year, and every one of them has enjoyed it to the point of going back regularly, and craving it over normal "American pizza".

Yes, it is a little bit pricey (but no more so than an Applebee's or TGIFridays), but you'll be gald you tried it. (The picture below was my pizza from last Saturday. I couldn't keep from eating a bite or two before taking the picture. Mmm...)

Pointless Knowledge

I just came across a quiz on another site (through another site, that I arrived at from a site I often frequent--it's amazing how far you can surf on a single wave) that is pretty ingenious, and something that I believe all 3 people who visit my site would enjoy. It's a little long, so I've limited it to the top 10 that I think people will be able to figure out. Post your answers in the form of an answer in a comment if you want to be considered for the grand prize (which is actually just a format "Way to go!" from me, also in the form of a comment). Here it is:

Each of the items below consists of the complete lyrics for a well-known rock song placed in alphabetical order, with each word appearing no more than once (regardless of how many times it appears in the actual song).

1. a and are as away baby back be believe but by can cause come could couldn’t cry do don’t down give go good guess help home i i’ll if is it it’s just kind late like lonely look lovely make me meet mercy mine must my need night no not oh ok on one pardon pretty right say see she she’s smile stay stop street talk that’s the there’ll to tomorrow tonight treat truth wait walk walkin’ walking way what while with woman won’t yeah you you’ll you’re your

2. a ain’t all and but caught classed cryin’ dog friend high hound just lie mine never no nothin’ of rabbit said that the they time was well when you

3. a all an as away be believe came don’t easy far for game go had half hanging here hide i i’m in it know long look love man me mmm my need not now oh over place play said say seemed shadow she so something stay such suddenly the there’s they’re though to troubles used was why wouldn’t wrong yesterday

4. and as blue could crazy crying day did do feeling for hold i i’m in knew leave let lonely long love love-ing loving me my myself new oh so some some-body that the then thinking trying wanted what why wondering world worry you you’d

5. a and are been bet big boat ’bout burnin’ but ’cause city cleaned come day don’t down ev’ry find for give gonna good happy have hitched i if in job keep left live lost lot man mary memphis might minute money never new night no of on one orleans people plates proud pumped queen ride river rollin’ saw side sleepin’ some ’tane the things ’til to turnin’ way wheel who workin’ worry worryin’ you

6. a air and be blossom but close closer clothes colorful don’t dum excitations eyes gentle giving goes good gotta hair happenin’ hear her hum i i’m in keep kind know lifts look love lovin me must my now of on perfume pickin’ plays sends she she’s smile softly somehow sound sunlight that the there those through to up upon vibrations way wears when where wind with word world

7. a about ain’t all and baby blues boss but call called can’t car ’cause congressman cure date dice didn’t do dollar earn every fine for fuss get go gonna gotta have he help holler i i’d i’m i’m-a if just-a late lick like make mama me money my nations next no papa problem quote raise ridin’ said says sick some sometimes son summer summertime sunday take the there time to told too try trying two united use vacation vote wanna was weeks well what wonder work workin’ you you’re young

8. a afraid and as be by come crumble cry dark darling fall has i if in is just land light long look me moon mountains night no now oh only or sea see shed should sky so stand tear that the to trouble tumble upon we we’ll when whenever won’t would you you’re

9. a about ain’t all and askin’ b baby c care ’cause come do don’t e find fools for get give gone gonna got guess hey home honey i i’m in is it just keep kisses know little lyin’ me means might mister money my need now of oh on ooo or out p propers r respect return runnin’ s so sweeter t take than tired to tryin’ walk wanna want what when while whip whoa wrong yeah you you’re your

10. a above across again all alone and arms baby be catch constantly days dream ’em fine for get girl give go gotta hair her here home how i i’ll in it jamaican leave let’s little long louie love make me moon my never nights no now of oh ok on outta right rose said sail sea see she ship smell take tell that the then there think three to waits we won’t yeah

Good luck!

Quick Plug

Sorry for so many posts in just a few days, but I had to put in a plug for a new mission posted to the ImprovEverywhere site. It's really amazing. It's called "Best Game Ever".

I'll let the actual site do the talking, but I just wanted to share a quote from one of the witnesses to the event (the mother of one of the baseball players):

"I believe you guys are behind the 'Hermosa Beach Little League' taping that took place Saturday, March 10th, 2007. The parents will be talking about this for a long time… the kids even longer. My son was a pitcher on the Lugnuts. We had a long/tough season last year. Saturday made up for everything. I want to sincerely thank you for making Saturday so unbelievable. It was like a birthday, Christmas, and New Years Eve captured in a few amazing hours. Thanks a million for a once in a lifetime opportunity."

Enjoy the mission. You won't regret taking a few minutes out of your day to read the stories and see the videos.

Shallmennows

We've all been there--you're singing along with a song on the radio when everyone turns to look at you. You're not singing too loud; it's not that. Remarkably, you're even singing in key.

But what did you just say?

"You made the rice, I made the gravy. But it just may be some tuna fish you're lookin for..."

What? Excuse me? Did you really think that's what Billy Joel was saying? Please say you didn't. But you did; and that's what you've ALWAYS thought he was saying.

This embarassing situation is often the result of years of preparation. It usually takes these steps:

1) You hear a song when you're really young (or really tired) by an artist that doesn't enunciate well (or you're just REALLY young or REALLY tired).

2) You sing along with the song in your head for a few years, repeating the lyrics that you know don't make any sense, but what song lyrics really do?

3) You graduate to singing the song in the car, alone, and nodody's there to correct you. Occasionally you'll get a funny look from a passenger who thinks that maybe they heard something amiss, but they're either unsure or not comfortable enough around you to say anything (it could have been a high school date). These are the same people who wouldn't tell you if your fly was down or you had something in your teeth.

4) You overcome your initial trepidation about the song lyrics. By this time, you've convinced yourself that they're right, because you've heard it over and over for years! They have to be right, don't they? You don't even doubt anymore. Like John Denver's Thank God I'm a Country Boy: "So I piddle when I can and I work when I should..." (instead of fiddle). Maybe, working on a farm, you're often a long way from the farmhouse so you have to piddle whenever you can. It's believable.

5) Mishearings like this can end tragically. Okay, so nobody's going to die, but you might "die" of embarassment. Hopefully when your lyrical world shatters you're with close friends or family. Alternately, being with complete strangers (if there's no chance any of them will see you again) is okay, too.

There are times, though, when the true lyrics of the song aren't as good as the ones you've had in your head. Take, for example, "Hold me close, I'm Tony Danza", instead of "Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer" from Elton John. Or "There's a bathroom on the right", instead of "There's a bad moon on the rise" from Creedence Clearwater Revival. It's a much more helpful phrase, anyway (except when the bathroom happens to be on the left).

Another example is Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues, where the REAL words are "The pump don't work 'cause the vandals took the handle." Wouldn't it make a lot more sense if he had said "The pope don't work 'cause the vandals took the candles"?

I'm not saying all the fault lies with the hearer (you) of the lyrics. For one, Bob Dylan did his very best to enunciate (usually at the cost of hitting the right notes), but his lyrics still made no sense. (Such as this tasty gem, also from Subterranean Homesick Blues: "Girl by the whirlpool/Lookin' for a new fool/Don't follow leaders/Watch the parkin' meters.") When the airwaves are full of crazy, nonsensical lyrics, who can blame you for allowing your ears to take some creative liberties?

Oh, if you want to spend an afternoon making yourself feel better that other people have misheard lyrics much worse than you have (that's how we make ourselves feel better: laughing at some poor fool who's worse off than us, and publicly admits it), check out KissThisGuy. And, if you're brave enough, submit your own mistakes.

And, be honest, is there anyone among us who, while in primary, didn't wonder what a shallmennow was? (I was convinced it was a cousin of the marshmallow, and hoped they were planning to pass some out at the end of Sharing Time).

Kicking the Habit

Say what you will about cell phones, but they have certainly gone a long way toward curing the world of one of its biggest problems (#1 down below, but don't jump ahead!)

Sure, there are negatives to cell phone use: cell phones ringing during a movie; cell phones being a distraction to drivers on the road; mothers in supermarkets being unable to control their children with their one free hand (not to mention the lack of attention the kids get while mom's gabbing); and the threat of brain tumors (I take solace in the fact that I'm not a lab mouse).

Despite the negatives (a general decline in civility being among them, although, really, are cell phones the cause or merely a facilitator for the behavior?), there are many positives. Were I to rate the top five (unless I get lazy and end at 4) benefits that cell phones have brought into our lives, my ranking would look something like this:

5) The ability to call a single, individual person. Really, this is the stuff of science fiction here. Just like Captain Kirk could flip open his communicator and, without even pushing a button, be connected to the exact person he wanted to talk to, we can flip open our cell phones and call--not a family, or a group (or everyone on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise)--a person. An actual, specific person. And if that person's not there we can leave a message for just that person, rather than leave a message with someone, trusting them to pass it on.

4) The freedom of not having to remember a hundred phone numbers. I used to have dozens of phone numbers memorized, and I was pretty good at it. But, of course, for any number I didn't know I had to look it up somewhere. Not anymore! Now I can save hundreds of phone numbers in my phone, and when someone calls it tells me who it is! Isn't that amazing?! I can program in the numbers of everyone who has any reason to call me, and if I don't know the number, I don't have to answer. It's wonderful.

3) Telling people if you're running late. You remember those days, don't you? Somewhere in between leaving home (where there was a phone) and arriving at your destination, something comes up to slow you down and you have no way of letting the people who are waiting for you know that you'll be late. You could always stop at the 7-eleven and pay two bits to call, but that makes you even more late than you would have been. With cell phones, though, you can whenever you like; you can even call a little late and make them sweat a little bit. Or, do my wife's favorite thing and say you're still an hour away as you pull into the driveway (I've thought of doing this myself, but I don't want to scare her).

2) (Almost there). Security. No more do you have to be nervous walking down dark alleys. With a cell phone, you can walk down any dark alley with $20 bills hanging out of your pockets, with 9-1-1 dialed into your phone and your finger hovering over the Send button. Well, maybe that's still not a good idea, but if something does come up (while you're being prudent and careful) you don't have to go running for the nearest payphone (that probably won't work). Breaking down on the freeway is almost enjoyable if you have a means to take care of the situation yourself, rather than relying on the goodness of strangers (you'll be stuck on the side of the road a long time).

1) Letting the phone ring. Since the invention of the telephone, humankind has been unable to let a telephone ring without answering it. It started as simple curiosity (what will happen when I pick this thing up?), and slowly evolved into a seemingly overpowering compulsion. Countless prayers have been cut short in an attempt to answer a ringing phone. An entire horror movie could be made with just a ringing phone (2 hours of people walking around NOT answering the phone; "You can hear it! Answer it! ANSWER THE PHONE!")

With the cell phone, though, that compulsion is dwindling. There is still the occasional person who will flip their phone open and answer a call right in the middle of a face-to-face conversation (becoming more prevalent with the proliferation of the Blue Tooth (BORG) contraptions), even at the check out counter at a store, at the movies, or in a meeting.

The majority of people are realizing, though, that you can let the phone ring. Most phones even let you "ignore" the call (although astute people will know when they've been silenced). You know who called; you can call them back anytime. There is no longer a need for pavlovian adherence to the ringing bell.

So, say what you will; villify cell phones if you must - there are indeed some drawbacks. But the next time you see that name (you know the person) flash onto your cell phone's screen, and you silently press the Ignore button, know that all the drawbacks are worth it.

Rocks & Rills

Near the bus stop on North Temple where I spend many hours a week waiting for the bus (sorry about all the bus-related posts lately) there's a little hill that runs parallel to the road. Beyond that hill is a big open grassy area where another government office will probably one day go. On top of the hill are four or five trees.

About a week ago, something else appeared on that hill. At first I didn't pay much attention to it, but as I passed it every day I started wondering more and more about it, until, finally, I was truly fascinated by it.

It's a rock. It's in the middle of that picture to the rock. There's nothing really special about the rock itself, but its location has me baffled.

It's too big to have been kicked up there by cars driving down the road. It's too small to have been placed there as part of a landscaping effort. It's too big for a bird to have carried it. There are no other rocks anywhere near there; probably not for 200 yards in any direction. The only conclusion I can come up with is that somebody put it there. But the question is: why?

There are a lot of transients (I prefer the word "Hobo", so I'll be using it instead of the PC term) in the area, including many who sleep on the other side of the little hill (in that yellow patch on the right of the photo to the left). As a result, a lot of beer and whiskey bottles litter the ground.

But you can't drink out of a rock. And as far as I can tell, there's no reason to bring a rock to that area. It's too big to just pick up and carry the hundreds of yards it had to have travelled. So why is it there? What purpose does it serve? did a hobo use it as a pillow? Was it involved in a gang fight (of a really lame rocks and sticks type gang)? If there were more rocks on top I'd assume somebody had left it there to mark a trail.

If you're still reading this entry hoping to find out the answer, I hate to disappoint you, but I don't have any idea.

However, it has made me think a little bit. How much history is there in the world around us that we aren't able to see or understand? There's probably a pretty good story about how that rock came to be there (or a really lame story) but we'll never know it. How many other things in the world around us are indicators of what has passed, and we don't recognize it?

When you think that for thousands of years people have been walking around on the ground that we now live on--hunting, sleeping, throwing sticks (I don't know what they did back then)--it makes you wonder who has been there before you, and what were they like.

It was interesting in Rome to be able to stand where Julius Caesar was assassinated. Or where Peter and Paul were imprisoned. Sure, a lot has changed in 2000 years, but it makes you wonder if maybe there's a little cosmic something left over from them in the places they've been.

Which leads to the next question: What am I leaving behind for future generations to see? Am I dropping rocks in strange places, just to confuse people waiting at the bus stop? Or am I leaving a record of my knowledge and experiences that will help further the intellectual pursuits of future generations? Am I writing my verse in the poem of the history of the world?