Revisions

Annie mentioned to me last night that the 7 random things about me in the last post weren't the 7 things SHE would have listed. Here's her list:

1) I write computer programs for fun. Yes, it's true that I write them, but perhaps less true that I finish them. Of the 30 programs I've started, there are only 8 that I would call "finished". It's nice to be able to create something that obeys my rules without question. I can create entire worlds and set my own laws; if I want someone to be able to jump twice their height, that's okay. If I want space ships to be the size of planets, that's okay too.

2) I have a concealed carry permit. Yep, that's true too, but perhaps it's not quite accurate to say that I carry concealed firearms. There are certainly occasions where I'll strap on a 357 magnum--walking after dark is one of those occasions--but it's usually just too much of a hassle.

3) I have the exact same routine every morning. Really, though, who doesn't? I wake up, walk into the bathroom, take a shower, dry myself (being careful to use the correct areas of the towel for the correct parts of my body), get dressed, put on my shoes sitting on the couch, put my lunch together, and head out the door. Nothing too magical, but if anything gets in the way it can really throw me off.

4) I taught myself to play the guitar. Well, in reality I've taught myself to do most things that I do. I found out early on that it was easier to ignore the teacher and just teach myself the stuff from the book. The teachers in school just made it harder than it had to be. I've also taught myself a few languages, although with the limited opportunities I have to use them I've been losing a lot of my language abilities.

5) All my shirts have to face the same way in the closet. Am I really in the minority here? Doesn't everyone enjoy having their shirts face the same way? A shirt should be hung such that you can pull the hanger out with your right hand and have the shirt facing away from you. You can then grab the shirt by the left edge of the collar with your left and it's ready to be thrown on. You should be able to just count on that.

Not only that, with collared shirts you don't want the collars in the front to be smashing each other. It's bad enough that they have to touch at all.

6) I never push the snooze button (we had this discussion in the bedroom, which is why most of these refer to things there). I used to push snooze a lot, but realized that I wasn't feeling any more rested. Not only that, I was training my body to turn off the alarm without bothering to wake me up. It got to the point where I'd occasionally sleep right through an alarm. That just can't happen.

When my phone's alarm goes off (I use the phone because it doesn't lose the time when the power goes out, and because you can use whatever ringtone you want to wake you) I grab it, turn off the alarm, and hold it in my hand. There's a second alarm that goes off a couple minutes later to make sure I'm on my way. If I happen to fall back asleep, that next alarm (paired with the vibrate mode) wakes me up just fine.

7) I still remember a lot of item numbers from Costco, 3 years after I quit working there.

20 - Regular Coca Cola
44004 - Kirkland Tortilla Strips
419927 - Halloween costumes (maybe it's changed by now)
77666 - Iceberg Lettuce

I could go on, but I won't.

These Are a Few of My Randomest Things

I've been tagged. That takes on a slightly different meaning with it being deer hunting season and all, but maybe it's not all that different. Here the tag: "Share 7 random facts about yourself on your blog."

Now, I'm pretty sure I post random facts about myself on a regular basis, but I've probably never had 7 things in a single post. So here we go:

1) For a long time I thought I had a good false advertising case against M&Ms candy. They're supposed to melt in your mouth and not your hand, right? Well, my sticky 5-year-old hands would always turn colors whenever I held them. Somehow it took a really long time to eat them.

Fast forward 25 years. I finally decide to look into the feasibility of filing a lawsuit against M&Ms, complete with pictures of colored candy coating in the palm of my hands. And then I realized their loophole: the MILK CHOCOLATE melts in your mouth, not in your hands. I didn't have any milk chocolate on my hands. None. I was devastated. There went my multi-million dollar idea.

1a) This would probably qualify on its own, but I used to eat M&Ms (and sometimes Skittles) in order. But not just any order; it had to be a mirrored order. In other words, I had to eat (B)rown, (T)an, (R)ed, (Y)ellow, and reverse that to finish, eating (Y), (R), (T), then (B). Of course, if there were ever an odd number of M&Ms, they'd fit in the middle. If there was more than one color with an odd number I'd have to eat some quickly so that I could make the pattern correctly. This might be why M&Ms always melted in my hand.

1b) I still do this when I'm alone.

2) I love watching infomercials. At least some of them. I'd never consider buying anything, but it's usually some pretty good entertainment. They have those miracle blade knives that look pretty good, but I really have to hold a knife in my hand before I buy it. It has to have a certain feel to it. I prefer the knives that have the one-piece metal going clear to the back of the handle.

Ron Popiel always had some good commercials. The RonCo food dehydrator was one of my favorites. Of course, with every purchase you'd get the RonCo Dial-a-matic vegetable slicer, so it was a good deal. And you could be sure that you wouldn't be paying 99.99, or 89.99, or even 79.99. Would you believe it's not going to cost you 69.99? 59.99? It'll cost under $50 for sure! And you'll get two or three other things to go with it. You can't beat that.

3) I don't drive with my hands at 10 and 2. Now, with the proliferation of airbags (I'm specifically referring to the ones in cars) they recommend putting your hands at 8 and 4. The logic is that you'll be able to maintain control of the steering wheel if the airbag deploys. Chances are, though, there won't be much left to maintain control of; not to mention the fact that you'll have a giant airbag in your face and acidic powder floating around the car to deal with.

Nope, no 10-and-2-er am I. Nor am I a fan of the 8-and-4. I prefer 9. Not only is it easier to drive that way, it's easier to say, though people often don't put it in the context of driving unless you're on the subject. If I were to say "I keep my hand at 9" out of the blue, you'd wonder about me. Whereas if someone says, "I keep my hands at 10 and 2" everyone knows what they're talking about.

It's just so much easier to rest my left arm on the top of the door and grab the wheel with my left hand. That leaves my right hand free to manipulate the radio and air controls, or communicate with other drivers. It's much safer to drive "at 9".

4) I love pop-tarts (at this point I'm just looking around at my desk for ideas). They're pretty tasty. I've only ever toasted one, though, and that was enough to convince me they're better cold. You have to wait for them to cool down before you can eat them anyway.

Not only do I like them, I have a very specific way of eating them (you're surprised, I know). I like to eat each "tart" in three separate pieces. You'd think the easiest way to do that would be to just break it into 3 pieces in series: [][][]. You'd be wrong, though. It just doesn't break well that way, and you don't have an outer edge on the middle piece so it crumbles all over the place.

To effectively break a pop tart into three pieces you have to break off the first third: [][ ], and then break the remaining 2/3s in half the other way (I can't show that with brackets). That way each piece has a long-side of outer edge and they can each be eaten without any hassle.

4a) I don't waste time with fruit-based pop-tart varieties. The nutrition information is the same for "Cookie Dough" pop-tarts as it is with "Strawberry" poptarts. Why eat Strawberry when you can eat Cookie Dough for the same number of calories?

) I'll get to the really good stuff in a minute as a reward for anyone who actually reads all of this. (I probably won't; I'm just killing time while I think of something else). I'd like to take this opportunity to note that the tag doesn't say anything about "interesting facts", just "random facts".

5) I prefer to stay unaffiliated. Although politically I lean to the right I hesitate to affiliate myself with the Republican party. Even though I'm an advocate for 2nd amendment rights I've never seriously considered joining the NRA. I cheer for the Jazz because it's easy and convenient, not because I have any real emotional attachment to the team. There's not a single sports team, professional, college, or otherwise, that I care about so strongly that I'd get into an argument with someone over the team's performance.

Does this reveal a fear of committment? I doubt it; there are many important things to which I'm completely committed. Annie, for one. The Church, for another.

I think it's primarily a fear that, as time goes by, those other organizations may not continue to represent my views--whether it be my own views that change, or the policies and ideas of the organization. Maybe I'm afraid that, in affiliating myself with an organization, I would change my opinions to match theirs. Either way, I think I'm better off just trusting in the things I've already committed to and leaving the rest alone.

6) I'm too nice. I could really get some mileage out of using my size and overall "scary" appearance to intimidate people. I usually don't, though. Being taller and stronger than almost everybody else isn't my fault--I don't even work out.

There are times, though, when I think it would be fun to scare people; sort of like how twins can trade places without people knowing. Just, generally speaking, using an inherent, unique characteristic to achieve something most people are unable to do. Maybe I should work on making my voice louder...

7) Is this the last one? I would have been happy to just do five. Or four; #5 was pretty stupid too. My #7, I guess, is that I taught myself Morse Code. I love codes and ciphers and all of that stuff. Morse Code may seem to have outlived its usefulness, but you'd be surprised how often you see it, if you know it.

There are songs that have Morse code playing in the background; strategically placed dots and dashes in architecture; dots and dashes in all sorts of pop-culture places. It's a forgotten art--in fact, I've forgotten quite a bit of it myself... I should refresh my knowledge of it.

Hopefully this has been illuminating for my readers and all my stalkers. I refuse to tag anyone; mostly because almost everyone I know has previously been tagged, or is currently tagged, or will be tagged by someone else in the near future. The madness has to end somewhere--why does it always end with me?

Hey Kool-Aid!

I don't need to lose a LOT of weight, I just want to lose enough weight so that kids don't yell "Hey, Kool-Aid!" whenever I break through a wall. OH YEAH!

Aliens

If aliens are watching us, which species do you think they think is running the show down here--the dogs, or the people cleaning up after the dogs?

It wasn't in my head...

It was in my thumb.

Can you see the size of that thing sitting near the bottom joint of my thumb? (Not the bump near the top knuckle.) That thing, just short of 1/4 inch, has been embedded in my thumb for the last 2 months. My thumb has been swollen and sore since. Nobody believed me that there was a piece of wood in there, but Annie squoze (is that a word?) it out today. My thumb still hurts like you wouldn't believe, but now maybe it can heal.

Thanks for popping it out for me, Annie! TVBA.

Rocky Mountain Hi!

Or, more formally, Rocky Mountain Hello!

Greeting from Greeley. Just kidding, we're in Colorado Springs. I had to come out here to audit a couple pipelines and was able to fit Annie in my carry-on.

We flew into Denver on Sunday morning and got our rental car. Guess what kind of car they gave us? I'll give you a hint: it's in the picture below:

It's a Mitsubishi Eclipse. It's a little more sporty than you'd expect a state property tax auditor to be driving. And it seems a little small for a guy that's 6'5" and nearly 300lbs. It's okay, though, because the front seat slides back until it touches the beck seat. It's just really hard to get in and out.

On the plus side, it turns around really quick when you accidentally turn the wrong way on a one-way street.

We met up with Annie's sister, Liz, and her family. They drove in clear from Eagle (about 2 hrs away, for those of you playing at home) just to spend a few hours with us. It was great to see them and explore downtown Denver with them. I'd never considered Denver a tourist destination before, but there's a lot of neat stuff going on there.

Sunday night we made the drive down to Colorado Springs and found our hotel. It's not too bad; just off the freeway and pretty similar to every other hotel I've ever stayed at. They do have a good breakfast, though, and a nice exercise room. And most of the toilets work.

For Monday's dinner, we'd heard about this place called the "Salt Grass Steakhouse". It sounded good. Actually, it sounded like they served steak with rock salt and shredded grass on it. It turns out they don't. It was a pretty good steak, as seen below:

It was tasty, but still not as good as the Texas Roadhouse. I would put it #2 on my list of good steaks; above Sizzler, but far behind Texas Roadhouse. There are plenty of Texas Roadhouses around here, though, so we'll still get a good steak before we leave.

Anyway, things are going well here. We'll see you all Friday (if you happen to be somewhere near us that day after we get home...)

Eights

You'll all be happy to know that I'm changing the way I write the number 8.

That's right--you heard me. Growing up, I used to have some really pretty 8s. They were done in one fluid motion and had a cool edge to them. They were pretty exciting 8s, as far as 8s go.

Then something happened. I don't know what, so sorry if you were expecting a great traumatic story about how I could no longer write my 8s. I think it just got to the point where I could no longer read them. Of course, I couldn't read anything that I'd written. It's just that the 8s were worse than other letters.

So I decided it was time to change them back. Instead of writing an 8 like in the left up above (making two circles that sometimes didn't touch, and more often than not overlapped to the point that they looked like a bold 0) I now, once again, write my 8s like the one on the right. One fluid, beautiful motion.

I know I won't ever be perfect, but at least fixing my 8s is a step in the right direction, right?

Quotes

I know I usually post funny things (or things that I intend to be funny), but I've been in a serious mood lately and need to try to be serious for a while. While doing so, though, I intend to try to be funny.

Over the last couple weeks I've been working on a computer program. It's pretty simple. I love to do those Cryptograms like they have in the newspaper. I love to try to figure them out. And, I'd have to say that I'm getting pretty good.

The problem is that I don't have a pencil in my nightstand (I do them at night), and it's really hard to erase pen. Not that I ever really have to erase anything, but it would be nice to know I could if the need ever arose.

So, rather than try to find a pencil, I've decided to write a program that fills in the letters at your command; you don't need any style of writing implement--just your fingers. And, if you need to erase, you just hit the backspace and it erases everything for you. I've considered making a "pen" game mode and a "pencil" game mode, but I'm not sure it'd be worth the trouble.

Anyway, I told you that story to tell you this one:

In order to be able to make the program challenging, I needed quotes (the quote part of "Cryptoquote") that weren't already in my head. If I'm too familiar with the quotes it won't be much of a challenge at all. So I had to find a source of quotations. And, where do you go when you need information? The Internet!

I was hoping somebody out there would just have an excel spreadsheet set up the way I needed it, but I guess nobody got my e-mail. In the end, I had to copy and paste thousands of quotes (most of them in groups of 100 or more) and then write macros to go through and "massage" the data into a format I could use.

There are a lot of quotes; some good, some really stupid. I weeded out the stupid ones, too; and the ones that contradict my beliefs (it's my program, after all). While reading through them I noticed that many of the same quotations were attributed to more than one person, so I took out all the author names (hey, it's my program, I can do with it as I will). Besides, the author's names in the quote make it too easy to solve them (who doesn't know that "F.P. KLESP" is C.S. Lewis?)

The end result of going through all the quotations is that I read some that really spoke to me, and I would like to share some of them with you. I'm not saying they're good, just that they spoke to me:

• "In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." (that's not a plea for comments; it just made me realize that I often don't support my friends (and family) the way I should)
• "Try to learn something about everything and everything about something." (this has been my motto for as long as I can remember; I just haven't yet found the something to learn everything about)
• "The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad." (some would argue this)
• "Talent does what it can; genius does what it must."
• "If you are going through hell, keep going."
• "The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like a ham-and-eggs breakfast: the chicken was 'involved'; the pig was 'committed'."
• "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." (He'll probably make me use the back door... and wipe my feet really good before coming in.)
• "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." (I'd like the opportunity to try to prove this one wrong)
• "The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." (I broke up with many a girl when I saw how they treated servers at restaurants)
• "Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." (If you graphed a line showing what I think I know, and a line showing what I actually know, they would have crossed about 10 years ago)
• "I have often regretted my speech, never my silence." (If I'm confused about something, chances are somebody else is. I like to let them ask the question and sit back pretending I knew the answer all along.)
• "If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." (Isn't life better when you're just hanging on by the fingernails hoping to not get bucked off?)
• "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."
• "The graveyards are full of indispensable men." (which reminds me of the demotivational poster: "Just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're important.")
• "Always do right--this will gratify some and astonish the rest."
• "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
• "Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world."
• "We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience."
• "Every man I meet is in some way my superior." (Some peoples' greatest accomplishment is to serve as a warning to the rest of us)
• "Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow." (I guess maybe I could find something...)
• "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
• "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
• "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
• "When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
• "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
• "Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it." (My actual philosophy is to find the right place and wait around for the right time...)
• "Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
• "I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." (I really want to have the guts to say that sometime.)
• "In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is."
• "Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
• "The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that lightning ain't distributed right."
• "Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ-grinder is in the room."
• Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."
• "Where are we going? And why am I in this handbasket?"

Anyway. There were some good ones. I didn't even have to break out the Jack Handey (but you can be sure he'll be featured in the program when it's done). Let me know if you'd like a copy of the program when I finish it. Also, let me know any favorite quote you have that you want to be sure gets in the rotation.

The Sword of Justice

As Annie and I prepare for our trip to Italy (yeah, it's in a couple years; we can plan now, right?) I'm reminded of Italy in almost all that I see.

For example, this picture of the plunger in the restroom at work: Some clever person wrote "Sceptr of Power" on it with a Sharpie. Of course, they spelled "Sceptre" wrong, but the idea is still there; they're trying to show that wielding a plunger gives you power. How does this tie to Italy, you ask?

Well, it starts with a fundamental difference in toilet shape. In the USA we have toilets with a bowl that's, well, bowl-shaped. It Italy it's a little more complicated: their toilets are bowl shaped near the top, but then funnel down into a small hole (3" around or so). The water in a US toilet is substantial, covering most of the bottom of the bowl. Not so it Italy: the water is limited to that 3" round hole in the bottom, leaving you susceptible to "skidmarks".

(For the record, I don't know why there are waves in my toilet sketches. Maybe these toilets are on a boat?)

As you probably can't tell from my crude drawings, the US toilet lends itself well to a plunger--the water level is high enough that you can get a good seal around the plunger, allowing it to plunge. On the Italian toilets, however, you can plunge all day long without making anything move. That's where the Sword of Justice comes in.

The Sword of Justice was a crude device fashioned of a wire coat hanger, often quickly in times of need. The Sword of Justice had a handle made of the write being doubled over on itself a couple times, and a "business end" that was made from the end of the unraveled hanger that has the twisty bit at the end.

The Sword of Justice would be gripped by the handle and ... Well, it's probably not necessary to explain in detail. This post's already on the edge of being too crude (that's the third time I've used that word). Needless to say, if the wielder of the Sword of Justice fought a good fight the toilet would be be rendered useful once more.

I may not have made the connection: the Sceptre of Power reminded me of the Sword of Justice because they both serve the same general purpose, and because they both have cool names.

The corollary to this description of the Sword of Justice is that, given the Italian diet, a Sword of Justice is seldom necessary.

And, if you ever get tired of using either the Sceptre of Power or the Sword of Justice you can always just install some "Moon Boots" in your house:

Just watch your step.

Life's Been Good to Me So Far

I've recently realized that I've skated through life pretty well so far. That's not to say that I haven't had my share of minor troubles, irritations, and problems, but for the most part I've gotten off easy.

I don't want to jinx myself here (I really hope my desk is made of real wood) but I just wanted to take a minute to reflect on the problems I haven't had, especially since getting married (i have a hard time remembering anything before that...maybe things were so bad I'm repressing those memories?)

Our house is still standing, and is still very comfortable for us. I'd like to thank everyone again who helped us fix it up when we moved in. For anyone unfamiliar with the story, with the help of friends and family we were able to fix (and build) walls, retexture some of the walls, paint every square inch of the interior, remove and replace the carpet, and dozens of other things in under a week. We've continued to fix it up and it's really turning into a nice home.

Our vehicles are still running relatively well, and one is paid for. Annie's Malibu has about 130,000 miles on it, and still hasn't had any major problems (a water pump went bad last year, but that's about it). I know that repairs are on the horizon, but we've gotten over 2 payment-free years out of it. That's great. The Jeep's still running well, but it still sucks down gas like... well, about like you'd expect. It's fully insured, though. Are there any good cliffs in Tooele?

I have a job that I enjoy. And, on top of that, my bosses are glad to have me. How often does that happen? Sure, I'd leave if the right offer came along, but for now I enjoy it and have no complaints.

Even after all these years, I still get along with my family. From what I hear, that's pretty rare, especially considering how many of us there are. We still get together on a semi-regular basis and get along fine when we're all together. No complaints.

We have enough money to pay our bills, and even a little extra each month. Sure, I'm not able to engage in my expensive hobbies as often as I used to, but I'm okay with it. I'm sure that one day I'll have the means to make up for all the fun I didn't have now. If all I have to do to get ahead for the future is give up some golf and guns (not at the same time) it's probably worth it.

We have enough clothes to wear; we never even have to go around naked. Sometimes I will just for fun, though.

We've never been forced to miss a meal. Sure, we've skipped a meal or two here or there, but, generally speaking, we make enough to keep food on the table. Not only that, but both of us cook pretty well. No mac and cheese for us, no sir. Well, unless it's Farfalle with Pecorino Romano cheese. I guess that counts.

We haven't had to live out on the street. That's always a plus. And, unlike some people, we don't even have to sleep in a tent in our back yard, though we could if we chose to.

Our lawn's green. Whoever would have thought I could bring our lawn back from the dead and actually make it sort of look good? Not me.

I guess the thing I appreciate most is my wife, Annie. Even if I had all of this and more it wouldn't make up for not having her. It's so much easier to enjoy the simple joys of life when you have someone to share them with.