Hey Man!

Everybody has a "Hey Man", don't they? I would assume so. I have several "Hey Men". This is not to be confused with a "Hay Man": the kind of guys who are suited for very little else besides standing in a field scaring birds away.

No, a "Hey Man" (I promise to stop using " " after I define the term) is that guy at work or at school that you don't really know, but for some reason, at some point in the past, one or both of you started saying "Hey" every time you passed each other in the hall. Sometimes it's not a formal "Hey", but rather just a nod or a head "up-jerk", or, in rare instances, just a mouth click with an awkward half-wink.

You can't even remember when you started saying Hey to the guy. It may not even be a guy, though it usually is. If you have a "Hey Woman" (it's a different term), and you're single, that can be a good thing (if she's also single). You can eventually work that Hey into a Howzitgoing?, which, over time, can lead to a Youbuzytonight? If you have a "Hey Woman" and you're married, or she's married and you're single, it can lead to some very awkward silences if you're ever stuck in an elevator together.

Was it you that initiated the Hey, or was it the other guy? You don't know. He doesn't know. Neither of you have any idea. You may have occasionally said more than Hey; that doesn't automatically advance the Hey Man into an "Acquaintance". Of course, you try to avoid any conversation longer than Hey, but occasionally you find yourself walking the same direction as your Hey Man. Usually, you're able to remember something you forgot to do back the way you came and you can avoid extending the conversation past Hey.

Sometimes, though, when you're just not on your game, or the group of people you're walking with suddenly dissolves into the surrounding cubicles and you find yourself alone with your Hey Man, you have to extend the conversation to the next level, which usually involves mention of some local sports team, unusual weather phenomena, or, if you're really lucky, a big news story like a tsunami or a hurricane.

However the conversation progresses, though, at your next meeting you once again become "Hey People".

It's possible to have multiple Hey Men. In fact, in larger offices, it's pretty common. If you have a well-established routine, you get thrown out of your groove when any of your Hey Men are on vacation or out sick. If you expect to say Hey to your "before-lunch" Hey Man, it can really ruin your lunch if he's not there, returning from the break room, holding his warm smelly soup in his old tupperware container.

Sometimes, a Hey Man will be unfamiliar with the unwritten rules of Hey Men (they may be unliterate (think about it)). Sometimes a Hey Man will try to engage in conversation, especially on elevators and other places where office workers tend to settle. A good Hey Man will be respectful and stare at the floor indicator (in an elevator), the microwave readout (in a room with a microwave), or just at the ceiling (anywhere else, or if the microwave isn't being used).

Yep, good Hey Men are hard to find. And sometimes, even after you've found a good Hey Man, your good Hey Man will turn to the dark side and start trying to converse. Maybe a mutual friend will introduce you, or he'll just have a sudden attack of loneliness. Nobody truly knows what turns a good Hey Man bad. But the question remains: how do you behave around a good Hey Man gone bad?

Your first instinct might be to just ignore the unwanted conversation, and for some Hey Men this can be effective. For others, it may cause them to get all sorts of disgruntled, and they might think that YOU're the one being rude, not realizing that THEY're the one disregarding centuries of unwritten Hey Man Comportment. Some people just don't like admitting they're wrong.

Your second instinct (can you really have a second instinct? It seems to me it would be more appropriate to say "Your second conditioned response") might be to confront the Hey Man. This must be handled delicately, and most people lack the skill to be able to pull off this conversation. Most people find that, with their failure to properly execute #2 (referring to the instinct or conditioned response, you sicko), they have to jump straight to #3, described below.

The third option, and typically the only one left to you, is to drastically change your daily routine. It's hard, but it can be done. It's usually best to do it after a long vacation, or an extended holiday season (there's one coming up, if you need to execute this option). You may need to change your work hours--that's the easiest. Just start your day 30 minutes earlier and you'll be 30 minutes early for every Hey Man encounter you used to have.

If changing your work schedule isn't an option, you may need to change your lunch habits--mayb start going out for lunch, or staying in for lunch if you currently go out. Again, it's a big change and may not always be 100% effective. Maybe your former Hey Man will change his schedule, too, in an attempt to avoid you (especially if you unsuccessfully executed a #2 (again, referring to the instinct)).

If all else fails, you may just have to find another job. A disgruntled Hey Man isn't likely to follow you to a new company. It sometimes happens, but not often.

Hopefully, this little guide will help you keep good relationships with all of your Hey Men (or Women). Remember: there are always options if your Hey Man goes bad. But be aware that if your current Hey Men start changing their schedules, going out for lunch, and terminating their employment, maybe YOU are the bad Hey Man.